Firstly , I want to say thank you for taking out the time to read this.
So here is my story. My situation has got from bad to worse,much much worse, without my own consent. I have fully accepted that I will never get my life back and I will never
be the same again. I am okay with that.
I am at the stage where I have been seriously thinking about life and death , and what will come with ending it. This is not merely because I want my life back and am fed up and sad that this is me for now but
rather because the existential, indescribable and excruciating pain and torture have become uncopable and unbearable. The seconds now feel like hours. It has gotten to the stage where I have been saying to myself ' I am not going to kill myself this second'.
My brain is not even receptive to watching tv.
I am angry, and the worse it got, after it being crazy enough, got worse, 10000 times WORSE. And I was not the one who made it worse.
On the 20th January 2016, my whole world fell apart. I had been
on Zoloft 50mg for 3 months. That day I accidentally took 2, I went manic, crazy, I lost my mind. I got really scared, and thought, wow if a tablet can do this to my brain I do not want to touch these things. The next day I felt the same so decided not to
take. I did not take for 3 days and planned to stop altogether because I was so scared of those tablets.
However, my dad intervened and said I must keep on taking them. I took 1 on the 24th, 1.5 on the 25th, 2 on the 26th, 1 on the 27th and 1 on the
28th . That week I did not take them at the same time and for some weird reason thought I must take more for the missed 3 days doses. I am a perfectionist and Extremely careful. (Have not touched alcohol, healthy, Good person). That week was the start of the
end of my life. Literally. Or fighting to survive, hoping.
On the 29th of Jan I stopped altogether. That day my brain went into this weird shock/panic mode. For 6 days I had extreme panic, derealisation, muscle twitches and my brain going a bit crazy
but I can say that that was Heaven on earth compared to what I am in now.
On the 4th of February, 6 days later my father popped another Zoloft in my mouth to see if it would make the withdrawals better as I complained of 'losing my mind a bit'. It made
things worse and theme me into a complete panic, psychotic mode with a huge panic attack. I look back now and I think it kindled my brain.
The next day I woke up having full on seizures. I was not with it and arctic bizarre. I was sent to the psychiatrist
who put me on ativan, that demon. He said "take as needed up to 6mg! Until you get a window". What stupid stupid life threatening advice. I had no idea what these tablets were and did not know anything about the dangers of these pills, at all. I also was not
in as rational mindset at the time as I was seizuring all over the place.
I landed up taking 6mg a day, one of the days I took 8mg. After the first few doses I already has withdrawals but did not know WHAT was going on at the time so took more to take
it away. My mind went into this weird space, dimensions started changing and the world looked dark and like he'll. I also got this strange pain in my head , a hellish pain.
While taking them I also started to lose my ability to use my hands, couldn't
walk and had slurred speech. I also became verbally aggressive. I think I was prescribed an overdose. Also I think I had adverse reactions to the drug. I would wake up early in a panic. I don't think the drug gelled with me. Especially the high dose.
knew these tablets were not working for me but my dad said keep on taking them.
After three weeks of use, enough to put me into a place I did not know existed, I stopped altogether.
This was after asking for as taper plan but not receiving one.
The day a after stopping. I started seizuring all over the place and my brain went into a state of needles and fire, but very bad. I could not look at anything my brain was in such a state of panic. I was sent to a clinic. I started having convulsions for
hours on end for about a week. I almost died.
I was sent home 3 weeks later with different auras in my head. I had sharp glass pains in my brain, the world looked dark, what followed was 4months of hell leading up to this email.
I was sent home
on 20mg of Lexapro which I stopped after a month, I was put on Zoloft for a week to see if it would take everything away (I didn't know what was going on at the time) and then forced onto Prozac which I was on for 2 months but then was ripped off by FORCE.
I was in a state I did not know existed, severely brain damaged but worse. My mental symptoms were hell I'm earth and I am sureI experienced seizures for days, I could not read or write or watch tv, I still conclude and seizure and gag automatically to
this day, my brain has been on fire, I had days where all I could do was stare at my wall my brain was so in shock, I could not feel the bed covers over me, floors have diluted, no emotions, depression, electrocuted, brain on fire, body on fire, pressure in
ears, pressure around head, stabbing pain in stomach, cannot feel the sun, nausea, hot and cold flushes, delirium, catatonic(severe), migraines, senses are amplified by 1000, numbness, weight loss, feels like I am in a soap bubble and dimensions are changing
and the world looks like hell, random glass pains over body, no memory, anhedonia, stinging skin, I smell metal, body restless, rage, panic, whole body goes alight in a panic mode and goes on fire and it panics and my brain goes to this weird place, psychotic,
depersonilisation, derealisation, dimensions changing a the time, weird head pressures in brain, I literally smell death it's weird, trickling hellish sensations in brain, ice pricks in brain, ice block in brain, heard a drill in my brain, numb brain, complete
panic to the state where my brain goes mute and I'm stuck unless I end my life, tight pain in neck, no thoughts running through my brain, acid and lava running over my.brain and body, explosions going on in my brain, the world looks colorless, cannot be around
people, feels like I am being poisoned/intoxicated, stabbing pains in brain, agitation, my brain state's would change all the time, severe confusion, so sped up that I cannot focus on anything or anyone else, feels like demons are chasing me, I also go dumb/mute.
After 3 months things did improve but then started convulsing again. And got really scared . I was taken to some people to take care of me. For 8 days days. All they did was strip me of my antidepressant and fed me 10mg valium each night for 7 days and
gave me 4 xanax.
I went home and my body felt a bit more agitated and I lost my sleep which was healed ! I could sleep for hours.
From June to July I raged and paced and screamed. Things did get worse. Insane head symptoms. Horror. Demons. Acid.
The highest level of hell. Dark. Terror. I screamed. I cried. I paced. I broke things.
This is when things got 1000times worse. My dad fed me 1 more xanax. After fitting and seizuring and going delirious. That night my body felt restless, I got hot.
The next day I was pushed to beyond hell. Beyond. Beyond. That is when life and death became a serious question. I slept three hours from being able to sleep for 12. Yes I could sleep again. That one pill damaged me very badly. I got akathisia, my, body went
VERY hot and then VERY cold. My whole body was filled with lava , coals, needles, the world looked red. Seconds felt like days. I started to say to myself I won't kill myself this second. It got bad. I didn't sleep. My brain went mute, I could not watch tv,
I saw the world through glass eyes, my body aches with a stinging,
Itching, burning sensation. Killing myself became a logical option. My body and head were hot. Baylissa, I cannot even explain. And I was FORCED to take that pill.
I am feeling
beyond hopeless as things have got from bad to slightly improving to beyond worse. It cannot get worse. I have hallucinated. Have no concept of space. It's bad. Real bad. I would love to explain to you in person how bad. I cannot distract with anything. My
brain is not receptive to t.v., I cannot feel the blankets over me in bed, I see the world through a fire colour, literally. My brain feels hot. The withdrawal as I knew disappeared and got beyond worse.I think a normal person would have ended it by now. I
don't think you can call it withdrawal. Life and death became real. I felt surges of burning and beyond fear, like this Burning sensation in my chest and stomach beyond fear and panic. I've gone psychotic it's weird. I sit in the bath and my limbs aren't mine..I'm
literally a walking specie from the pit of not even hell, beyond ,with a heart that's beating and I wish it would stop. It wasn't this bad 2months ago.
I am beyond hopeless as things have gotten worse. After I was fighting for dear life to get better.
Even after not being on these drugs long and them not even benefiting me.
I feel like I've lost. I feel like I've tried everything to fight, but I've just been forced more pills and now I'm left to suffer, to consider life and death. I don't understand.
I've gone. I've disappeared. I'm okay that I've lost everything now. I'm just disappointed that it's gotten worse when I thought things could only get better.
I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost.