7. Jan, 2015

Hanging In There

 At this date I continue to hang in there by the tips of my fingers, which are raw with the effort. This has been my worst period yet and is now at five weeks of severe symptoms. I have had the occasional day of respite but these are rare. I’m very tired from lack of the sleep, which only comes in fits and starts and is nearly always accompanied by tachycardia and sweats. I’m also suffering deafness in both ears but worst in my right ear, which feels totally blocked.

I am exhausted and lie on my bed for most of the time. I find concentrating on anything is difficult because I’m so tired. I have to be very careful what I eat as it seems my sensitivities to foods have ramped up as well. This is rough and scary but the only way is forwards. If staying in my room is all I can manage then I must accept this.

I did call a doctor out. He was open minded and wanted to rule out any other concerns such as heart, thyroid and nutritional deficiencies. I receive the results soon but doubt there is anything else apart from withdrawal. I’m severely kindled and suffered very long term use so must expect a continuing difficult journey to health.

My Christmas and New Year have been non-events as I’ve watched them pass by without being able to participate. Perhaps the most worrying thing is the fact that I was better than this last year when I was able to cook the turkey dinner and enjoy the day with our old friend. This year I crawled out of bed for a few hours and sat in an armchair. A year ago, soon after Christmas I believed I was almost recovered. This year I feel I am back at square 1 and have no idea how much more I must tolerate.

I hate to moan but I’ve vowed to tell it as it is so it’s no use pretending everything is hunky dory as this would only give a false impression of recovery. It’s a bad time…..I can’t sleep, think, eat, hear or relax. I’m in a sort of limbo land waiting for this to pass. It will pass as the natural outcome of withdrawal is recovery. I had hoped to achieve full health long before this but my CNS was obviously not ready and needed more time. I must accept and keep treading the boards until the light returns to guide me.