November 2014 to January 2015
Happy New Year to everyone and may 2015 bring us all to full health.
I don't want to be negative but the purpose of this Blog has been to give a true account of my recovery process as I remain completely optimistic that this will happen, Christmas has not been a merry one. My bed has been my refuge and still is four days later. Insomnia and anxiety dominate my existence and stomach problems ramp up as soon as food is introduced to a delicate digestive system. What a mess. To cap it all I feel the onset of my first cold for many years. It seems, even from the safety of my bedroom, I can't escape the bugs floating around at this time of year. Ah well, this is as it is for the moment and is obviously necessary before my full healing happens. Perhaps next year I can celebrate this wonderful season of peace and joy from a place of peaceful joyfulness.
It's all to easy to start fighting the process and getting scared. I'm still not good at acceptance and letting the symptoms rage without over reacting. I forget my own advice and start crying and screaming with the unfairness of it all....Why me? Why so long? What if this is not withdrawal? Why can nobody help me? Ahhhh! I must let go and let it all happen. It really is hard. I'm so grateful for the voice of wisdom and experience helping me through all this, the wonderfully supportive, Bliss.
On a happier note I have heard from one of my friends on this journey who has made it through after a severe withdrawal and inspite of some intensely dramatic and stressful life events on the way. She recovered within the eighteen month time frame. There really is hope for everyone.
I will write more of my symptoms and what's happening at present when my head starts functioning again! At the moment this is true survival.
Another quick update as Christmas fast approaches. I want to give everyone a link to this video on Youtube. Lisa puts the chemical anxiety attacks so clearly and her experience is very similar to my own.
Please don't watch if you're likely to be upset by her honest description. Also remember this process is different for all of us and some never even experience the anxiety surges but have a more depressive reaction.
I continue to ride stormy waters but am managing to keep my head afloat. Once again I feel this may well be the Grand Finale. Even if it's not the thought keeps me going and keeps my battered brain in positive mode. It is essential to send ourselves constant positive thoughts and images. It's all to easy to be sucked under by a bad wave and start fighting whatever it throws at us. We must not forget to be AWARE until the worst symptoms pass. We can do this. Our bodies and brains are strong and capable of amazing things. For now I am letting the storm pass knowing this is my healing journey.
A quick post to bring my Blog up to date as I may disappear for awhile with Christmas looming.
Sadly, the rippling effect has given way to a severe downturn. This is the eighth day of a tumultuous wave and I’m fighting to keep my head above water. The main symptoms are acute anxiety and dizziness. I rang an emergency doctor the other night as my heart rate was too fast to count. I can hardly stand and am praying for relief soon. I will survive this and believe it's just major healing. So many times have I thought I was recovering only to be hit hard and find myself drowning again. I must remember this is not a linear process and the worst waves can be followed by the best windows.
I am going to wish everyone a Happy Christmas and hopefully come back with some positive news as soon as I can.
A Happy and Peaceful Christmas
to all my friends on this long, hard journey beside me
This song jumped into my head this morning and is going round and round.
It's from one of my favourite shows....'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'. A bit of fun that really describes how I'm feeling at the moment. If I consider myself having been at 'Frankenstein's Place' for the last few years then there is certainly a light shining out of the darkness now. I love it and hope that light really is signalling that my complete recovery is well underway.
In the velvet darkness,
of the blackest night,
there's a guiding star,
no matter what or who you are.
there's a light (over at the frankenstein place)
there's a light (burning in the fireplace)
theres a light, light, in the darkness of everybody's life.
The darkness must go
down the river
of night's dreaming
Flow morphia slow,
let the sun and light come streaming,
into my life
into my life
Theres a light.........
I can see the flag fly
I can see the rain
Just the same there has got to be,
something better here for you and me.
To start I'm going to post the link to the most recent update of the Ashton Manual as I believe it can put a lot of misconceptions into place.....
I'm two years out, I'm much better both physically and mentally but there are still symptoms hanging around and making an appearance as minor waves. I've called this the 'rippling effect'. one minute I can feel normal then I suddenly find myself suffering cog fog and anxiety or perhaps stiffness and back pain. They rarely make an appearance together.
It seems that major healing has happened and probably relates back to the really bad wave at nearly 22 months out when, for six weeks, I suffered a relapse similar to the acute phase at the end of my second month. This has passed and I've been rippling ever since with a deeper trough on occasions but only for a short while. I'm still very sensitive and anxiety can envelope me with no obvious cause. It passes if I just relax into it and don't fight it or become demoralised by it. I still find I'm lacking in motivation and rather lazy or reluctant to make any major effort to do things. I hope this lethargy will pass with more time. I also feel unable to face large, social gatherings.
I think the Ashton update I've posted says it all. There could be structural brain damage but this is unlikely. I'm choosing to believe that this hasn't happened for me and I can return to full health with more time. My GABA receptors may have been decreased in number by the drugs but again I believe that the brain is such a wonderful core processor that it can make up for this in some other way. Glutamate can be consciously calmed if the remaining GABA is operating at full strength because I now understand the need for acceptance, as well as other relaxing therapies such as deep breathing and positive thinking.
For the moment no supplements or drugs, a good diet and plenty of rest with gentle exercise will remain important for my full recovery. I am getting better and the rippling is proving this as my brain and body make the final tweaks that will eventually bring me back to the real me. It may take more time but nothing worthwhile is easy and the lessons learnt along the way are certainly life changing.
My thanks again to all those that have contacted me. I value your comments so much and they will go a long way towards helping others once I've thrown off my last vestiges of withdrawal. Lots and lots of luck to all those of you out there who are battling this beast but making it through. Please be proud, very proud, of yourselves.