November 2014 to January 2015
Yes, it’s arrived today. I woke up knowing something was hovering at the back of my mind then the light dawned, its November 22nd and two years ago I finished with Nitrazepam and any other Benzo for good or so I assumed. I must also mention the slight deviation in February 2013 when an emergency doctor insisted I would only get through my acute anxiety if I took something. I was pressurised and succumbed to 6mg of Valium. The rest is history. A bad reaction made me realize I could never touch a Benzodiazepine drug again without extreme consequences.
I can’t believe I’ve been fighting intense withdrawal symptoms for two years now and an escalation of weird panic, anxiety and body pain for the three years previous to that, a total of five years of pain and debilitation. I’m still here and still remain positive that this dreadful syndrome can burn itself out and leave my body and brain free to live a happy life again.
The last four weeks of a beautiful window slammed shut four days ago. I’ve been away in our motorhome and contracted a sickness bug or ate something that caused the sickness and so precipitated a wave. Pacing the van and even outside in the rain was my way through the worst of the relentless anxiety, dizziness and nausea. This lasted about five hours before I collapsed into bed and spent a restless night of intermittent sleep and anxiety attacks. Luckily I was well enough to travel home the next day but a minor accident on the way didn’t help my case much! The Devon roads are notoriously narrow and white van man, travelling in the opposite direction, hit our wing mirror with a hefty bang which took a few seconds for us to register what had happened. The wing mirror suffered but we managed to travel home without further attacks on my CNS.
Since then I’ve been resting and just getting through quietly with the aid of television and reading for distraction. The worst problem is the pain and stiffness. My lower back pain has flared up again and there is a faint anxiety feeling hovering in the background. This is nothing like the acute waves of the past. I believe it’s a new rippling wave rather than the tsunami I suffered at 22 months. I can ride this one relatively easily if it remains at this level.
I am still well on the way to healing and am celebrating my two year anniversary with positive thoughts and determination to keep going until all this passes. It really does better.
Hope is a powerful adjunct to healing. To hold on to hope and to send our brain only positive images of recovery helps it to normalise. Constant negative thoughts can only lengthen the process and make waves even more unbearable.
Just holding on to hope, even through a bad wave, really does send out healing messages. I believe the long, relentless, acute wave I last suffered was my brain doing it's best to regain homeostasis and may even have been my final Tsunami. It was smoothing out all the damage that the drugs caused hopefully to signal healing and the approach of full recovery. Whatever, eventually all will be well of that I'm sure.
I continue well and I continue to tread on those eggshells. It's been two weeks now and symptoms are waning on a daily basis. It's difficult to announce that the end is in sight but I truly feel that this is the case. My nights are beginning to level out although I still wake with rapid heart rate and pain on occasions. However, this is nothing like the nightmarish symptoms I used to suffer. Hope is ever present and I'm positive there has been so much healing over the last two years that soon the real me is going to surface and stay afloat.