Where am? I What am I going through? Who am I now? I can answer the first two questions but not the last. I’m at over 38 months off benzodiazepine drugs, I’ve been through a very traumatic withdrawal that’s happened in windows and waves. I’m still going through stuff but mostly persistent anxiety especially with any stress. As I emerge on the other side I’ve no idea who I am now. I seem to have entered a world very different to the one I left all those years ago.
That’s it really. I’m in the process of trying to see my way through what I still believe is my final stage. I had a dramatic wave over January which precipitated several bedridden, shaking days. They could only be survived by retreating into myself and holding on to the belief that it would all pass again. I am through all that but I’m left with a feeling of not being quite right, weakness, spaciness and the need to retreat into a warm place and just keep quiet and calm. I think the wave is still with me and hasn't completely run its course yet but I certainly seem to be in a different place. Some nights have been filled with stress, nightmares and even hallucinations while others have been calm, with almost six peaceful hours of slumber.
I feel very ‘raw’ as if every part of my body and brain has been turned inside out and thrown into a new dimension. The sun is brighter, noises are louder, and emotions are running high. I feel more depressed than I’ve ever been throughout this but I suppose this is to be expected. The world is louder, brighter, more chaotic than it’s ever been for me. I feel a strong sense of right and wrong and of the injustices that seem to dominate the news. It will be interesting to see how this period turns out! I only hope I return to the happy, positive person with a love of life and acceptance of change that’s the ‘somebody’ I used to be. Only time will tell.
I love John Wyndham novels so the title of this preamble is how I feel at the moment….a monster emerging from the deep so to speak. It’s certainly reminiscent of a Science Fiction movie where you wake up into a world of the future unable to recognize much of which you were familiar.