Do I have Regrets?

Posted on 9th October 2016

'It is good to have an end to journey to; but it's the journey that matters, in the end' (Ernest Hemingway'.

My journey has certainly been long and loaded with trauma but looking back on it all now; Do I regret it? It's easy to be filled with anger at what has been done to us and all too easy to jump on the bandwagon of trying to right the injustice but there has to be a more positive outcome for us personally. I've always been sure of my healing however bad it got and however many times I stood on the brim of that pit of raging fire and brimstone. I've felt I could easily have jumped into the inferno so many times but I'm still here and still amazingly clear headed and positive. Things are falling into perspective as I calm and look back on the experience of nearly four years.

Out of this trauma I'm emerging as the stronger person so many have said we become. Of course, in the midst of the hell, it's hard to believe anything at all as it all goes over us in the despair of thinking we're too damaged by the drugs and too ill to possibly survive, let alone be stronger for it. But it's true. I feel stronger, wiser, deeper thinking and more appreciative of life than ever before. My memory has returned and I've been flooded by little incidents from my past that have been long forgotten. Suddenly I'm remembering names quickly and my emotions are real and appropriate to the situation if still a little over the top at times. Real life is flooding back bringing happiness all wrapped up in a calm and peaceful body.

On the physical side my weight has returned to normal and I am well equipped with a new knowledge of diet that ensures I get all the nutrients my body needs for health without the poisons of drugs or processed foods. I sleep for eight hours at night although still with a couple of wake ups which could be age related. I don't have any aches or pains, my skin is less dry and my hair is improving. All blood tests on the major organs and systems in my body are normal. I do now catch infections but I think this is something to do with the immune system coming back into action after the stress of benzos. I am still improving and have no doubt I will continue to see progress in all areas. I don't think healing stops just because we reach a point when we are functional again but goes on ad infinitum.

I've learnt so much that my head is full of new concepts and new ideas on how to help myself and my health and lead a drug free life. Some of the more important facts that have got me to this point are......

The neuroplastic nature of our brains which can be moulded to our thinking so the importance of positivity and positive talk to ourselves is paramount.
The ability to overcome anxiety and panic through going deep into our bodies and seeing them for what they are so the fight, flight, freeze reaction is brought under control.
The need to not match ourselves to others on their own journey but to remain true to ourselves and our own healing because we're all different.
The need to accept and understand that some friends in real life, even relatives, will have stopped supporting us and gone their own ways. I've written a lot about this but at least we learn who our real friends are and we can let the others go knowing their true worth. It's one of the hardest lessons to come out of this.
The value of finding the right, nutritious diet to support our brain and body health.
The importance of remaining as drug free as possible unless absolutely necessary. Also to be wary of supplements and introduce anything new slowly.

This list could go on and on but the sun is shining on a beautiful Autumn day so I must go and enjoy it. There will be much more to say on all this as my full recovery continues but to everyone out there still suffering the most important lesson I have learnt is to surrender, accept the process and keep positive. Our bodies are amazing and they will heal.

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