Posted on 18th September 2014

I slipped into Satan's pit about ten days ago. Everything became considerably worse. It was all preceded by a ramping up of the relentless pain. I was tipped into bed and stayed there for several days. Nothing I could do except wait it all out. Insomnia, due to the vibrations and anxiety within my body, made it harder to remain pacif as I have to do to get through. Fighting is a natural reaction but only makes symptoms worse. I've learnt that acceptance and giving in is the only way.

I continue to wait it out although the pain has eased. I'm living in a fog and remain lethargic and unmotivated but it will pass. Bliss has given me hope that this may be the dark before the dawn. Now at 22 months I'm trusting the possibility but also accepting there may be more to come. I've been better, I've had widows and know these will happen again.

I have a long history of benzodiazepines starting in the seventies. I've also been put on several different forms of these drugs over the years. When one stopped working to help me sleep so my doctor of the time was only to ready to prescribe another. The list must be quite long and I will check all this out when fully recovered. Luckily I was able to avoid the addition of any other class of psychiatric drug although they were offered! I also tried to completely stop the sleeping tablets as time went on but always had a reaction after a week or more. I never took the drugs every night but would go two or three nights with nothing as in the latter years I was only prescribed ten a month. I now know the damage that an intermittent dose like this can do. My brain was going in and out of withdrawal on a daily basis. No wonder I'm still suffering. This phenomenon of repeated withdrawal over time from any drugs or alcohol is known as kindling. Wikipedia offers the best explanation.....

With kindling perhaps comes a worse withdrawal syndrome which lasts longer and brings more symptoms. All I can do is wait it out. I know I am recovering and this is a time of major brain reconstruction. The worse it is the better I will be when through this wave. I have enormous hope and certainty that healing is on it's way.

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