MONICA'S STORY: Disabled from Xanax withdrawal...but I am healed and living life

[WebDevElijah]

MONICA'S STORY:

 

 

In 1997, I began my journey to become benzo-free after being on Xanax for years due to a diagnosis of panic disorder and agoraphobia. It wasn’t until nearly the end of my taper that I started connecting the dots: the Xanax was causing my agoraphobia and panic attacks. Along with these issues, I experienced muscle pain, joint pain, weakness, weight gain, and an intolerance to exercise. For years, I thought I was ill, but I now realize it was inter-dose withdrawal or protracted withdrawal from failed attempts to quit.

 

At one point, I was on a very high dose of Xanax, which led to odd behavior and contributed to my long-term use. The impact on my family was significant, and I deeply regret the damage it caused. I reduced my dose from 10 mg to zero in just four months, but the sickness I endured was unbearable. I reinstated back to 1 mg, eventually stabilizing at 3 mg. After 18 months, I felt well enough to taper again, reducing from 3 mg to 0.25 mg. Life circumstances forced me back to work while at this low dose, leaving me incredibly sick and unable to eat properly.

 

At the start of my journey, I had no idea how to use a computer, but even without external support, I came to understand that Xanax was the source of my illness. I began journaling daily, documenting my symptoms and setbacks, even when others doubted my observations. After eventually getting a computer and connecting with others online, I found validation in meeting people going through similar struggles.

 

Despite facing significant challenges at 0.25 mg, I increased my dose to 1.25 mg to stabilize before pursuing a new career as a massage therapist. This decision allowed me to work from home and focus on my recovery. I also studied relaxation techniques, positive thinking, and meditation, which became my saving grace during acute withdrawal.

 

The economy collapsed near the end of my taper, pushing me back into the workforce. However, this time, I worked in a calm environment doing massage, which, combined with switching to a long-acting benzo, made the experience more manageable. Everything seemed stable until 10 days after my last dose, when withdrawal symptoms peaked. I had to take four months off work, alone at home, managing my household and responsibilities while my husband was away.

 

The first three weeks were the most harrowing of my life, yet somehow, I survived. My husband eventually returned but had to leave again for work. Those early weeks taught me resilience and changed me for the better. I no longer worry about handling emergencies; I now know I can.

 

Throughout this journey, most of my friends vanished, leaving only two people who checked on me regularly—they will always be my heroes. One year off benzos, I was much better. I drove on the freeway, flew to San Diego, and even went camping to celebrate. Next, I decided to taper off my beta-blocker, Inderal, which turned out to be even more challenging than the benzo withdrawal. It took nearly a year to recover from that taper, but I finally emerged from the woods.

 

Now, nearly two years off benzos, I feel significantly better, though I know I’m still healing. I’ve transitioned from merely surviving to thriving. The clarity I’ve gained is remarkable; I often find myself marveling at how far I’ve come.

 

I spent over 25 years on benzos, with half that time at a very high dose, and I had every symptom imaginable. Yet, I’ve recovered. I feel good, and I’m no longer disabled. Recently, I lost my permanent disability status after nearly 20 years, and I could only laugh when I heard the news—I’m not disabled anymore.

 

 

Please follow your heart.