DEBBIE'S STORY: Physically 100% healed and I have my emotions back :)

[WebDevElijah]

DEBBIE'S STORY:

 

8/23/08: The day my dad died and my grenade incident. I cried for a month straight and so I tried a couple of Ativan 1mg pills so that I could stop crying.

 

4/16/09: Started taking Ativan 1mg, using 10 pills in a month’s time. I had my first withdrawal (W/D) but assumed it was the worst-ever Lupus flare-up. I went to the ER, where they administered IV morphine. I had an allergic reaction, so they gave me Benadryl. My skin was crawling, and I was told I was going crazy. They administered Ativan for the next 10 hours.

 

For the next two years, I went through the ER revolving door every two weeks, receiving Ativan intravenously. During those two years, I underwent every test known to mankind, not realizing Ativan was the source of my hell.

 

10/5/10: Switched to a homeopathic doctor and began using liquid Valium (5 mg/5 ml), medicinal marijuana, a Mediterranean diet, and 20 minutes of exercise daily. I started a six-month taper beginning at 5 cc/day and weaned down every two weeks. However, 5 cc was too much, so I dropped to 3 cc/day and continued tapering every two weeks. During this time, I hardly left my house—better yet, my room.

 

1/11/11: I jumped at three months on January 11th at 0.5 cc, which caused sickly consequences. After one month benzo-free, I returned to work and became social again. At two months benzo-free, I traveled to Hawaii for my uncle’s funeral and surprisingly experienced no anxiety, even during a tsunami. At four months benzo-free, the brain fog lifted, and I felt very angry. At six months benzo-free, I began the Insanity workout, maintained the Mediterranean diet, and started acupuncture while seeing a psychologist to address mental trauma. At ten months benzo-free, I started to feel really good, although I occasionally still had the shakes and experienced only the emotion of contentment.

 

12/7/11: Now almost 11 months benzo-free, I almost feel normal. Key word: almost.

 

1/31/12: I started feeling emotions again recently, but they are anger and irritation, which are the least like me. Oh well, here’s to being a b!%@# until the next emotion comes back to me. Peace and aloha. One year and almost a month benzo-free and counting. P.S. Don’t ever take a psych med after finishing your taper because it makes you worse than when you started. I mean, I’m a year off and still feel side effects.

 

2/16/12: Anticipating a life full of happiness, adventure, family, and friends! I want to be at my best and no longer depressed. Paradise surrounds me, but my heart feels empty. I’m trying to create a routine but remain skeptical. I’ve been well for quite some time, and I say this time is all mine. Family makes my heart beat. Maui is full of heat. Maui no ka oi, Ohana aloha oi!

 

I want to cry, but no tears come out. I want to scream, but no voice comes out. I want to laugh, but I feel no happiness. I want to dance, but I lack energy. I want to climb, but I feel left behind. I want to jump, but I’m skeptical of the landing. I know eventually, all my emotions will come back to me, so I’ll settle for content for now.

 

UPDATE:

9/11/12: Twenty months benzo-free—woop woop! Physically, I’m 100% healed. Mentally, I’m not quite there yet, but I just got my emotions back. Let me tell you how great it feels to have all of my emotions back. At first, it was overwhelming, but now it’s better than any drug I’ve ever taken, and it’s mine to keep. Woop woop. I love emotion—hehe!