MARIAN'S STORY: I am finally healing and it is amazing

[WebDevElijah]

MARIAN'S STORY:

 

I was prescribed Xanax at age 30 for anxiety-related issues and insomnia. At the time, I was given no warning or precautions with the medicine. I took Xanax p.r.n. ("as needed") for many years and never had an issue in between doses. At age 40, I began noticing increased anxiety and panic attacks, and I would take Xanax even when I was calm to prevent the onset of anxiety. I was taking Xanax before shopping, going out to dinner, or doing anything outside the home, and I never realized I had a problem.

 

Once, on vacation at age 40, I recall taking 1/2 Xanax before I took a walk on the beach. I was already calm and about to take a relaxing stroll at night but still took the Xanax. This episode made me realize how dependent I was on the pill, but I still didn’t feel or know I had a problem. I had suffered an abusive relationship, breast cancer in its early stages found at age 37 by routine mammogram, and I was a victim of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Around my mid-40s, my doctor and I diagnosed me as being pre-menopausal, as the symptoms I was having all fit that diagnosis.

 

I continued on Xanax. I married in 2010. The marriage took a turn for the worse due to many outside issues, and I was taking Xanax much more than prescribed, often running out of my prescription before the refill date. I was sneaking into my husband’s Klonopin while he was asleep to try and hold onto my Xanax or tide me over until my refill. He was prescribed this years ago for PTSD.

 

In September 2012, we separated, and I assumed I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t function and acted like an insane person, though I didn’t notice this at the time. I called and emailed almost everyone I knew, airing out my personal life. I was shaking, stuttering, unable to work or drive. My oldest son told me to stay in bed. My children thought I had lost my mind, as I was out of control with anger, shaking, unable to talk, and incapable of typing or doing my job. I had lost control of my motor functions. I remained in bed, except to go to the bathroom or kitchen, for a few days. My son had to drive me to refill my Xanax when the time came.

 

Within 30 minutes of taking 1/2 of a 2 mg Xanax, I was calm. The shaking and stuttering stopped, and I became fully functional, unaware of what was truly happening.

 

In October 2012, three weeks after my separation, my friend died suddenly in her home. She had also been taking Xanax along with other prescription medications. It was shocking and devastating. I began researching medications, mainly Xanax, and learned that I had suffered from withdrawals for years in between doses and that, at the end of September, I had acute withdrawals. This realization terrified me. I had no one to talk to for advice on what to do or how to do it. I spent many hours reading forums on Xanax withdrawal and learned that I had reached the point where I would suffer withdrawals almost daily if I tried to cut my dose or acute withdrawals from running out early due to taking too much. I decided to stop the pill cold turkey when this last prescription ran out. I knew it would be hard, but I had no clue how hard—or how dangerous—it would be.

 

I stopped cold turkey at the end of October 2012. I went through acute withdrawals for about six days, including hallucinations, depersonalization, a severe headache that felt like a stroke, projectile vomiting, loss of all motor skills, inability to tolerate light, inability to walk, and a feeling of being in a "vacuum" for six days as my hearing was almost gone. I did not sleep for over 72 hours straight. I had no fluids for three days until my son made me sip water because I was dehydrated, and the water tasted horrid. I remained in my room, in bed, for most of this time.

 

Within seven days, most withdrawal symptoms had subsided, but the depersonalization and loud ringing in my ears remained and still do now, four months free of Xanax. Within two weeks, I was working and driving again. I was slow at everything due to the depersonalization, but I was functioning.

Now, four months out from this cold turkey of Xanax, I have remembered many things that have shocked and shamed me. I have learned how Xanax did not help me but caused me to live many years making wrong decisions and choices, even though I thought I was "right" in my mind. I now know I was very wrong and lived for years with my life clouded by this drug.

 

From the wonderful people I’ve met after stopping Xanax through social network pages and forums, I know I am one of the lucky ones. I am able to function, drive, and leave my home, while others still cannot after months or years of stopping a benzodiazepine. The difference in symptoms and healing among us baffles me and always will. I can only feel that God has allowed me to function as a single mother who must work to survive. I am lucky and blessed because I am finally healing and it is amazing.