CHRISTINA'S STORY: From No Hope.....to Loving Life

[WebDevElijah]

CHRISTINA'S STORY:

 

I was put on 0.5 mgs of Klonopin in October 2010. By December, I was a total mess, and I couldn't figure out why, but I knew the Klonopin felt like it wasn't working as well as it had in the beginning. I tried to contact my psychiatrist, but he had decided to take a 3-month leave from work. I went to a walk-in clinic, and they increased my dose to 1 mg but only gave me a 2-week supply. After those 2 weeks, I started to feel sick again, so I went to a different walk-in clinic where they increased my dose to 1.5 mgs. I began taking more some days and less other days. Some days I would take up to 4 mgs. My pills ran out, my psychiatrist wasn't back yet, and walk-in clinics would not give me any more, so I went to the emergency room where they gave me refills for my prescription. I started taking 1.5 mgs every night.

 

My husband started to really notice a change in me and began doing research into the drug. After we realized that I was sick because I was in tolerance, we decided it was time to start coming off of it. I cut down to 1 mg and ended up in the emergency room basically every second or third day because I was having really bad anxiety and wanted to kill myself. I couldn't function whatsoever. I begged for help and begged to be hospitalized. I begged to go to rehab, and no one listened. I soon came to the conclusion that there was no one out there to help me with coming off of it, so my husband became my doctor. At first, he struggled at trying to be a doctor.

 

I cut my dose again about a month later, down to 0.5 mgs. That’s when things got really bad. I soon found myself in a custody battle for my youngest son and moved 3 hours away from my husband to fight to get my son back. I took my daughter with me and left my husband and two stepsons behind. I spent 5 months away from them but got so sick that I could not fight for my son. I dropped from 130–140 pounds to 106 pounds. My hair started to thin and fall out. I got disgusting sores on my skin. I was stuck in a severe anxiety/panic attack. I spent most of that 5 months in bed, and my daughter was basically left to take care of her little brother. I started getting really bad intrusive thoughts of harming others. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself. I also developed agoraphobia. I couldn’t feel my face for almost a year. I had brain zaps and twitching.

 

I picked up and moved back to my husband and other kids and left my son behind. During that 5 months, I jumped down to 0.25 mgs of Klonopin and was put on 75 mgs of Seroquel as they said it would help with withdrawals. It made things worse, and I was once again back at the emergency room a couple of times a week. I stayed on 0.25 mgs for several months.

 

When I moved back in with my husband, he became the father, mother, cook, maid…everything. I was incapable. We then decided to do a liquid taper to get off the last 0.25 mgs. We did the calculations wrong, and I ended up coming off that last 0.25 mgs in 40 days. It went much better than the other cuts I had made, and during my liquid taper, things were not that good but not that bad. However, I did experience some really horrible twitches. I thought I had developed Tourette’s syndrome or MS. I wished I had done the liquid taper from the start. One month after coming off Klonopin, I tapered off the 75 mgs of Seroquel. Coming off the Seroquel was a piece of cake compared to the Klonopin.

 

I am 5 months off of Klonopin, and the only symptom I have left is the intrusive thoughts. For example, I can’t drive on the highway as I’m scared I will purposely drive into another vehicle. I haven’t been alone with my kids since November as I have been scared of going crazy and hurting them. I have thoughts of punching random people in the face. The other day I spent a whole day with my stepson—a HUGE accomplishment! I have a bit of anxiety but nothing too bad. My marriage has suffered lots because of this, but we are working on getting things back to normal. My husband is glad to have his wife back. My kids are glad to have their mother back. I am glad to have me back. This experience has been by far the worst thing I have experienced in my whole life and, trust me, I’ve experienced a lot.

 

I may have left a few things out as some things are kind of a blur, but if I remember anything else, I will add it on. A year ago, I had NO hope whatsoever. I thought I was going to die before I got better. But here I am, finally starting to live again. So this goes for all of you: There IS hope. You WILL get better. It may take a while—don’t rush. When you’re having a rough day, just tell yourself that you are going to feel like crap because it means your brain and body are healing. Try and see your symptoms as a GOOD sign rather than a bad one. You will not die from this, although some days it’s going to feel like it. If I got through this, you guys can too.