Success Stories

[James]

I am about 90% after being in this terrible withdrawal for 17 months. I am almost normal but not quite. You will make it too. Let's go!

 

Any questions? Ask me!

[Thorin]

3 hours ago, James said:

I am about 90% after being in this terrible withdrawal for 17 months. I am almost normal but not quite. You will make it too. Let's go!

 

Any questions? Ask me!

That’s great to hear. Did you taper slowly? Have you been off for 17 months?

[WebDevElijah]

Awesome job.

[James]

I quit the drug in June of 23. Prior to quitting I did a one month taper that my "doctor" proscribed. He knew even less than I did and he's a psychiatrist. Yeah right. Pull the other one!

 

From 20-30 mg of valium per day for 20 years I went down to 5 mg for a week and then to .25 for a week and then to zero. THAT is NOT a good taper schedule. You must do it very slowly like over a period of two years. I suffered greatly because I was ignorant. Elijah is doing it the right way. That being said, I am glad I am almost through the fire completely. It was not without some very hairy days and weeks.

 

I plan on being here for a while so if there are any questions please feel free to ask!

Edited October 28, 2024 by James

[WebDevElijah]

Thanks for your comment James. I’m so happy to know that you’re doing much better than you were. Just keep pushing and moving forward, brother.

[James]

Was sitting on my deck last night reflecting on the fact I couldn't exit my house for 3-4 months during my secondary w/d. I was too afraid to go out and would not under any circumstance. I couldn't set my foot over the threshold. This is called agoraphobia. I had it bad. It went away completely eventually. Even today, I wonder what the heck I was thinking that I couldn't leave my house. 

 

I also had akathesia. I walked/paced around my house for 20 hours a day for 4-5 months during secondary w/d. I was sleeping 1-2 hours a night. It was brutal but it too went away for the most part. I started sitting for a few seconds just to take a load off and it blossomed into 5 minutes, then into longer and longer times. I can sit for hours now if need be. I am so grateful for this.

 

My point to those reading this is the fact you too will get better. It just takes time. Whenever you think you're stuck in a wave things will change for the better.

 

Any questions are welcomed. 

[BluePosion]

On 10/28/2024 at 10:37 PM, James said:

You must do it very slowly like over a period of two years

I went from 1.5 to 1mg lorazepam (15 to 10mg diazepam) in a week and then from 1 to 0.5mg (10 to 5mg) in another week. I was having horrible, extreme interdose WD, then i switched to diazepam and went form 5 to 4mg in another week but took me 7 months to drop from 4 to my current 2.05mg and i expect to need another 6 or 7 more months to come off.

[BluePosion]

3 hours ago, James said:

I couldn't exit my house for 3-4 months during my secondary

When i went form 5 to 4mg in a week with no issues, then i hit the wall so hard just trying to go to 3.75mg that i had to updose to 4mg, i was bedbound for almost a month couldnt barely walk or stand up, after that i stayed 3-4 months homebound as well and i couldnt even stand in the shower for 5 minutes so i had to wash in the bidé and wash my hair on my knees in the bathtub.

 

After 4-5 months i began to be more functional and this summer i could even drive again. I am in a bad wave that is one month long so far but to as bad as my home/bedbound times.

[James]

Hey! You are finding things that I found in my w/d. I once told my caregiver that if my legs continued at the pace they were on, I would be in a wheelchair in a week. The legs came back soon after that to the point I could walk, ok. I took up walking on the beach which is about 20 minutes from me. I've been going every day since mid July. I just got back in fact. Now, realize that July to me was the 13th month on my journey and that's a long time.

 

Shower. I couldn't bathe as the water was just too much for me. The sensation of the water on my skin was excruciating. I couldn't stand it. I didn't shower for 15 days at one point. Yeah, smelly. Then the towel after to dry was crazy rough. It really wasn't but I thought it was. Same went for my sheets. I thought they were about 100 count as they felt sooo rough. My caregiver wanted to wash them after a month and I refused. I thought the dead skin was making them smoother. I had dead skin all over my dresser and nightstand as I was shedding and not leaving my room for the most part.

 

BTW, your hygiene goes to hell when you're doing this w/d. I was a mess. But not anymore. It legit took me a year. I don't know where you are on your timeline but you will get better. Keep going! Do not despair. You are a strong person for taking this on.

 

Sure wish I could help you.

[BluePosion]

12 hours ago, James said:

Hey! You are finding things that I found in my w/d. I once told my caregiver that if my legs continued at the pace they were on, I would be in a wheelchair in a week. The legs came back soon after that to the point I could walk, ok. I took up walking on the beach which is about 20 minutes from me. I've been going every day since mid July. I just got back in fact. Now, realize that July to me was the 13th month on my journey and that's a long time.

 

Shower. I couldn't bathe as the water was just too much for me. The sensation of the water on my skin was excruciating. I couldn't stand it. I didn't shower for 15 days at one point. Yeah, smelly. Then the towel after to dry was crazy rough. It really wasn't but I thought it was. Same went for my sheets. I thought they were about 100 count as they felt sooo rough. My caregiver wanted to wash them after a month and I refused. I thought the dead skin was making them smoother. I had dead skin all over my dresser and nightstand as I was shedding and not leaving my room for the most part.

 

BTW, your hygiene goes to hell when you're doing this w/d. I was a mess. But not anymore. It legit took me a year. I don't know where you are on your timeline but you will get better. Keep going! Do not despair. You are a strong person for taking this on.

 

Sure wish I could help you.

 

I am at my 7th month of liquid micro taper and my 8-9th month in total since i started cut pills and today reached a daily dose of 2.05mg and i am struggling, so many issues besides WD symptoms, as Diazepam side effects, psoriasis, cadida (yeast infeccion), dermatitis, and some other.

 

I am about to get rid of my morning dose wich at this point is 0.20mg and i am afraid this will bring new waves and symptoms, actually it has already started, i am for the first time feeling the burning skin and my sleep is going so poor i can barely sleep 4-5 hours with so many micro awakenings every few minutes. I didnt have this problem before, i could sleep form 6 to 8 hours quite well.

 

i guess i hit tolerance badly and my night dose wich i didn't touch for 6 months is not working anymore and wont let me sleep.

Edited October 31, 2024 by BluePosion

[James]

Here's something that may have a positive effect on you. I cut out all sugar. Even to the point of cutting out carbs as they are in essence, sugar. This tamped down my benzo belly as well as my akathesia. I found and am still finding even at this date, I suffer nightly from an inner vibration that I can't get rid of. It WILL eventually go away of that I'm sure. Everything else has. It feels like a very minor bout of akathesia. I don't attribute that lightly. Akathesia is really hard on you.

Candida needs something to fuel its growth and sugar is the culprit.

The burning of the skin is really harsh. I suffered this and still do to a much lesser extent to the point I think it may be part of my natural life. It's so hard to figure out what is a symptom and what is everyday living. This too goes away in time. You just need to stay after it. You're doing great so far.

 

I too reached a point where the drug was not working which is why I quit. It was actually contra-indicating which is a fancy way of saying the more you take the less it works. At the end of my addiction I found the less I took of the drug, the better I felt, slept, etc.

 

Are you working? Do you have a place you can go for 6 months while you ride this out? I have a good friend who's uncle owns several w/d centers. He said it takes from 3-6 months before you get back on your feet when you finally jump off. I didn't know of this uncle until I was about 7 months along in the w/d. I wish I would have had this asset when I was contemplating jumping off. I was able to not work and basically stay in my room w/ the blinds drawn and staying in bed. I did this for 6 months.

 

Weird but I am glad (now) that I jumped off so hard. It was really a nightmare but there is NO getting around the w/d. It is what it is.

 

While ill with the w/d, I could not speak on the phone, use a computer, watch tv, read anything. This thing takes you over for a while. Be ready.

[BluePosion]

21 hours ago, James said:

While ill with the w/d, I could not speak on the phone, use a computer, watch tv, read anything. This thing takes you over for a while. Be ready.

 

Hi again,

 

I am at my 9th month of taper, i already past all that, exactly as you relate, for many weeks i could not watch tv and spend all day staring at the walls or ceiling, if i talked on the phone i got so triggered and i still do when i talk for a long time, i can use a computer now but for short tasks like use this forum but my main hobby used to be video games and i havent been able to play a single minute in a year, i can watch tv now but i watch mainly quiz shows and talk/interview shows, i was watching a comedy show this summer when i had my greatest window.

 

Your reply sounds a little confusing for me cause you seem to think i am starting my journey now and i am very far from that place though i am also very far from jumping.

 

I am aware of the sugar problem but i quit all sugar and i got really worse, my blood pressure is low and it got to a point where i had 9/5 that led me to be couchbound again. I am doing some diet of course only eating homemade healthy food but some people told me in another forum i was before that candida and many of the issues wont go away totally until i jump of the drug so there is no point of suffering too much.

 

I live alone and i have no other help than my mother's who is 80 whop brings me regularly homemade healthy food so i am going through this on my own and of course i can't work, i am not even 50% functional, it has improved from my bedbound and homebound months but it depends on the waves and windows to be able to do more tasks.

 

21 hours ago, James said:

I found and am still finding even at this date, I suffer nightly from an inner vibration that I can't get rid of.

 

I had that to and i get a little sometimes but i think i can help you with that. From the time i was suffering severe anxiety i had that vibration all the time and i do still have it some times when i try to sleep or i awake due to jerks ans wake up startled and with that vibration but i learned how to get rid of it effectively using the deep breathing technique. I practiced daily for many weeks and now i can get rid of the vibration with a couple of breathings, It helped me so much overcome my anxiety and now that i am free from it is still usefull for things like the inner vibration and the restlessness.

 

[James]

In response, I am ignorant when it comes to tapering. I really didn't taper. That, after 20 years of benzo use is a recipe for disaster. Please forgive me.

 

I said I don't know anything about tapering. That's true. I do know what happens when you quit and go to zero. It sounds like when you taper you go through the w/d? I realize reducing the amount of drug taken can cause w/d symptoms and that the reason one tapers is to lessen or eliminate the w/d symptoms.

 

I don't know if the "fun" starts when you are tapering or only when you completely jump off. I have no experience in tapering.

 

I have tried CBT and deep breathing, etc. It doesn't work for me or I'm doing it wrong. Being 17 months along, I thought by now I would be done with this.

 

It sounds like you are doing pretty well all things considered.

[BluePosion]

1 hour ago, James said:

In response, I am ignorant when it comes to tapering. I really didn't taper. That, after 20 years of benzo use is a recipe for disaster. Please forgive me.

 

I said I don't know anything about tapering. That's true. I do know what happens when you quit and go to zero. It sounds like when you taper you go through the w/d? I realize reducing the amount of drug taken can cause w/d symptoms and that the reason one tapers is to lessen or eliminate the w/d symptoms.

 

I don't know if the "fun" starts when you are tapering or only when you completely jump off. I have no experience in tapering.

 

I have tried CBT and deep breathing, etc. It doesn't work for me or I'm doing it wrong. Being 17 months along, I thought by now I would be done with this.

 

It sounds like you are doing pretty well all things considered.

 

I understand now why you went through such a nightmare, cold turkey (go from zero abruptly) is something no one should do and i know cause i did it with my antidepresant and went through hell and is 100 times less severe than benzo WD.

 

In taper there are mainly 2 steps, acute and secondary WD, acute is when i was very sick, bed or homebound and that is usually when you cut your doses by half or quarters, that is what i was doing and i couldnt stand it so i started a micro daily taper and things started to go smoother, that is the secondary WD but you have windows and waves all the way down and it gets really worse as the dose gets lower and this is what is happening to me, at 2.05mg i am struggling to drop my dose and i have to be slowing down and readjusting my tapering all the time but you have to deal with tolerance and many other issues and side effects from the drug that can make you go down on your knees.

 

But there is a link in this forum that explains perfectly how hard it gets when you are in a low dose:

 

https://www.beatingbenzos.com/topic/58-why-the-final-taper-steps-are-toughest/

 

I'd Elijah to relate cause he is a master in this tapering game as we know from his videos in youtube.

Edited November 1, 2024 by BluePosion
link added

[James]

Agree on many things here. One, Elijah is very good at this stuff. He has yet to go through the fire. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. My only hope for you and him is that your taper leads you to pain free w/d. Is this possible? I think so from what I've read but have yet to see anyone who's done it. There seems to always be a time of craziness in all our journeys.

 

I can remember when I was taking 2.5 ml of valium in my taper. I couldn't wait to get that 2.5! I pined for it. But, I decided it was time to let it go.

 

I also ct'd from anti-depressants. Namely Zoloft. Took it for years and then jumped off when I jumped off the benzos. Brain zaps, cold sweats. You name it. It was tough but as you say, not nearly as tough as the benzos. I also quit, alcohol, nicotine, vicodan, kratom, marijuana at the same time. I am done with drugs of any sort. Yeah, I was a real winner.

 

I don't recommend this but if it's really tough when you get down to your last taperings, why not cut to the chase? I did it accidentally because I was ignorant to the process. I thought it was like any drug and one could quit. In hindsight, I'm glad things went the way they did because I am largely through the fire.

[WebDevElijah]

Oh, I’ve been through the fire already, but I got back on benzos over three years ago after a cold turkey everything and I’m doing it correctly this time.  

[James]

E, Now that you mention it I remember that from one of your videos. Why did you have to go back on the drug? (if I may ask)

 

This forum is very good. I have trouble saying things that may strike a nerve. If I do, I apologize.

[WebDevElijah]

@James It's all good brother. Yeah I went cold on everything for 6 months and it was absolute hell on earth. I ended up in the hospital where they re-instated me on everything. I level out after 7 months and started my liquid microtaper. I am 90% done with it with no major issues.

[James]

No major issues! That's what you're looking for. I wish I had done it that way. I remember in my w/d thinking (even at the time when I was essentially out of my mind) I should NOT have ct'd and fervently wished I had not. There is a point in w/d in which you think, "If I could just get one or two doses I will be fine!" The drug tells you it is a good thing. There are a lot of commonalities in this w/d. This is one of them.

[WebDevElijah]

Yeah, no major issues but I’ve been tapering for 3 1/2 years now.  I think that might be why.  Lol

[James]

3 hours ago, cyberelijah said:

Yeah, no major issues but I’ve been taping for 3 1/2 years now.  I think that might be why.  Lol

Well, I certainly wish I had done a reasonable taper. I did not! Nearly as soon as I embarked on my journey I knew I had missed a very important part of withdrawing properly.

 

I had checked myself into a rehab center fairly close to my home. They had zero freaking clue as to what I was up against. They were going to taper me over 30 days to zero and then turn me loose on the world! But that's when the fun begins! I checked myself out of there after 12 days and did it my way. Yeah, it was a hard way but it's done.TG

[James]

I was ruminating on my recovery and all I went through to get here. "All I went through", There's no way I can describe everything I went through. Just like all of you it is a whirlwind of memories and instances. All were bad except when I would notice an improvement. I couldn't really tell and then all of a sudden I would remember something I was doing like pacing my house or not being able to leave my house. Although it seemed very normal at the time it certainly wasn't.

 

After a period of recovery (about 6 months) I was able to sit down for a spell and also leave my house. 

 

Nowadays I am (don't jinx myself) through with the windows and waves. Or maybe the waves are so light I don't know I'm in one. Not exactly in a window right now. At least I don't feel like I am. There is no shining happiness or anything. I HAVE been in a window before where I was in a blissful state. My friend called it "The Sublime." I had never experienced it before. Such a wonderful feeling. The fact I had NEVER felt this way before in all my 62 years, is a travesty and a really bad commentary on my life. Benzos will do that to a guy.

[BluePosion]

On 11/2/2024 at 4:57 PM, James said:

No major issues!

This is the answer to your previous question "why not just cut the chase?"... cause those major issues are too big... life is better with no major issues, anyone including me that tried to do it the wrong way can relate, smooth and slow is always better.

[James]

1 hour ago, BluePosion said:

This is the answer to your previous question "why not just cut the chase?"... cause those major issues are too big... life is better with no major issues, anyone including me that tried to do it the wrong way can relate, smooth and slow is always better.

I, can relate. 

[James]

Wow. That's all I can say. The last three or four days I have been sleeping ok. That is such an improvement for me! I have been sleeping since I started this w/d very little and fitfully at that. I've been sleeping 5-7 hours a night lately.

 

I still have much trouble falling asleep but once I get to sleep I seem to stay asleep. I wear a ring that monitors many bodily functions such as sleep. It tells me I am getting better. Every day I flash back to some time where I was really hurting while performing a task that brought me much pain or anguish. I know you can all relate. 

 

I am definitely getting better. Whether this is a window I don't care. I am getting relief from my symptoms and it's glorious. I thank GOD for allowing me to heal. For some reason I was put through this terrifying ordeal. Maybe some day I will find out why I was so quick to try to mask my emotions through drugs. 

 

Everyone who is reading this, take heart. You too will eventually be made whole by your own body. It is the way.